i revisited my old posts in this blog. and i decided to delete it.

Coz it was, 

well, 

blood curling 

cringey 

with no filters.

Save Me/Help

With a blink of an eye, 26 y.o. and unhappy.
My coworkers prolly noticed my changes, but they chose to not mention anything. I'm a facade. Uncooperative bastard. Hatred towards a suck-up. A hole in the wall. Incompetent someone. A passing nomad.

Why? Why are my dreams so big, but I'm moving nowhere? I am just passing day by day with no clear goals or objective. What are the cause of my tears every night if i had no commitment over anything?

For the greater good.

I left my best friend few months ago.

She had a complete meltdown when her fiance-to-be broke up with her. It broke my heart to see her suffering. She loses her identity every time she's in a relationship. She had only one goal in life, that is to be happily married. But she was so obsessed with her goal that abuse could also mean love to her.

It was so much harder cause I could only be within her presence & her listening ear. She refuses to move on. Its easy to just spout things that could be better for her. She knows that, but its not what her heart desires.

I had no idea how to help her. I refuse to watch her destroying herself more. So I left.

The thing is, I wasn't even sure if I could be her friend. Was it mutual love between us or taking advantage of her misfortune to make myself feel better? I wasn't sure if I hate her or that I adore her.

I could not be anymore selfish than I am to her right now. But I believe that it's for the greater good.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.

For seven years i held onto you. . .

Seven years, and i'm letting you go. . .

Island

I'm up, still in bed
I'll get ready, be out soon
This lukewarm relationship between us
It's trouble
This is trouble

Sitting alone
And thinking
Forgot about it all
Yes, I must be on this island by my own
Yes, that must be it

The wind blows forward
Why don't I have anywhere to lean
I feel like I'm the only one like this
That's why I keep calling random people

Everything That Goes Wrong With Me At Year 24

Song Of The Day : Higher Love - James Vincent McMorrow

I am really bad at following orders. Let alone, in making decisions too. And I get into real deep shit every single time.

I can't cook. Every time I tried to attempt something, it ends up with a day of diarrhea. No one in my family even wants to try eating it too.

I retaliate a lot. Means that if I gone by with a day of exercise, I reward myself with carbonara spaghetti and cookies&cream milkshake after that.

I feel ridiculous, looking at wedding photos and imagining my dream wedding, like its my only wish of my life - to have a band in my 4th finger.

I have a tendency of doing everything last minute. Timetables works worst for me. Snooze button is my best friend.

I have overprotective parents. I have been telling my parents for years that I would like to go solo travelling, since I have no friends and getting married seems very far-fetched. The answer is always NO.

So with all the money that I plan to use for travelling over the years, goes to food. Which equals to - none of the clothes fits me anymore.

Ilyanti Nabilah

Today is my 2nd last day, serving my doctor whom I have known for 5 yrs. Today is also my dad's surgery. And today, for Singapore, marks a week since the passing of our 1st Prime Minister. And I'm having a terrible Monday blues, coz I had only 2 hrs of sleep, from binge watching TV series. Weekends, man. 

The purpose I'm saying all these today, is coz, I realize that I procrastinate a little too much. I let all these factors ruin my Monday. Which I could have made a great brand new day. A turning point.

I decided to withdraw myself from continuing my service with my Dr coz, I stopped enjoying doing what I do. Thus, my conduct has vastly detiorated.
Addition to that, my colleague was involved in an accident 2 weeks ago. No, I don't mean to blame her, but it happened at a very inconvenient time, when we're in the midst of packing & shifting.
But, to think back, 2 yrs ago, I wasn't present during the clinic shift. And I was absent for 2 weeks too. Creepy or what? The full circle of life, they say.

What's next, they asked. A new me, I hope. As always.

Funny, this happened when I was at my most depressed state. I was really, beneath depth. I was so lonely that time. And so I started binge watching tv. In a way, I was running away from my miserable life to an unrealistic screenplay. Get out more, make new friends. Its not simply like that at all. Go for public classes, build up your imaan. Yeah, sure. Been doing that for a year. But I'm not a least bit changed, still. Fuck The Happiness Project.

But it wasn't until someone significant in my country died, that I feel that I should at least be a least bit grateful to what I received in errday life.

So here I am, making little changes. Starting with listing down all the nifty things that I am unhappy with, forgive them(which I find it very hard to do, said my ego & my selfishness) and move on.

I'm sorry mom, its not your fault that my pants didn't match today coz you didn't wash the laundry. I knew I wanted to wear my jeans yesterday but I took it for granted that you would have done it without me checking.

I'm sorry my colleague, its not your fault that I don't have time to eat breakfast or take my leave today. I have been rather calculative of my work(which I know I shouldn't have).

I'm sorry dear ol' public transport. Although you are freaking nuisance most of the times. Its better than paying $40 taxi fare which takes about the same duration as public.

I'm sorry boyfriend. For trying too hard for you to connect with my family. Although knowing that making you meet my family will somehow makes all of them pressure you more, which is obviously, not in the near future yet. 6 years is still nothing, right? Right? Heh. It's alright. You're worth the wait, my love. ;)


Moving on~!

Quarter Life Crisis

I have reached a phase which I feel like I have no aspirations/motivations to keep me going. I have no idea what I'm doing.

This year marks my 7th year working in dental line. Although I have moved around a bit, it's still dental. Is this really what i'm gonna do for the rest of my life? I doubt so.

What's the use, really. Even tho I have been religiously going for classes, I am still the same sane person.

Get me out of this, pls. It's driving me crazy that I can't get anything right at this age.

Aimless

"What is my resolution for 2015?", they asked.

"Just to do better at everything.", I said.

sleep better.
organise better.
pray better.
treat my parents better.
save better.
donate better.
work better.
make friends better.
learn better.
love better.
exercise better.
eat better.
communicate better.
care better.
think better.
dress better.
remember better.
better health.

Just let me create memories this year.

Last year has been the most unmotivational, selfish, laziest and loneliest year I've ever had. It's like I'm carrying negative energy surrounding me, I hardly talk to anyone last year. I had no accomplishments. I didn't even get any pay raise or get promoted. It felt as if I am foolishly waiting for an unexisting dream.

Happy 1 yr old to my babies, Felix(left) & Milo(right)

Till then..

Ilyanti Nabilah

Today was one of those days when I felt completely lonely. But The Almighty One showed me I am more than fortunate. And my roots taught me to  be giving even if I don't have enough.

This morning, when I was my way to buy breakfast, I saw a beggar with a shopping cart filled with junks being questioned by 2 policemen.

On my way to an appointment, I saw a half-paralyzed man controlling his wheelchair with just one hand. People turn a blind eye  on him while he wheels across them and stop to stare when he wheels away.

During my walk home, I saw a drunkard sitting at the traffic light junction and crying. People just stared and crossed when the green man appears.

Does humanity exist in my country? Sadly, no.
We are too bound by rules that we are nearly robots.

A couple of days ago, I sat beside un-uniformed duty men during breakfast. And subconsciously, I began eavesdropping. (In fact, they eavesdropped my conversation as well on the phone)  They were talking about road accidents and suicides. And I was astounded, by how easily they talk about deaths/near death experiences. And I became aware that, we can make plans for the future, but we can't plan death.

We live everyday with intention.

We live and breathe for Allah.

Our main purpose here is to serve Allah with all our heart.

He is our creator.